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I apologize for not being as talkative about goats as of
late. I believe it's about time to discuss the hoofed little bastards again. Do you know what's extremely unique about the
goat? People don't care for them. I can't locate the origins of why people don't care for them. Perhaps it's due to the nauseating
fact that we, as kiddies, were burdened with images of little goat-like puppets singing "Its Lamb-Chops Play-Along...This
is the song that doesn't end, it goes on and on my friend..." Or maybe it is the nauseating reek that comes from their nether
regions (but then again, asylum-seeking refugges smell like rancid puke and we still accept them). However, if this was the
*genuine* reason why we are collectively uncaring for goats, then we would be traumatized enough to want to grab the nearest
firearm and blast the little beggars heads off until they became intriguing mural patterns on the adjacent wall. Why we dont
particularly care for goats--I think the reason must be hidden within our genes somewhere. We must have a Goat-Hating Chromosome
deep within our anatomic structures. The fact is that a goat-a-phobic Israeli born in the year 2050, Prof. Arhfuck Uin-d-ash,
invented a time-traveling device to return to the Garden of Eden and make love to Eve all in the name of hating goats... Okay,
get the alcohol handy. First things first: he didnt like goats (this was the dominant trait within his genes). To ensure that
the rest of humanity wouldnt like them either, he created the time-traveling machine to spread his goat-despising seed into
future generations. The only way that Arhfuck Uin-d-ash could manage to go back in time was by harnassing the flatulent power
of goat cheese. By concentrating the cheese and running an electrical current through the goats teats, while milking it with
rubber gloves and a tutu (this last part was unofficial, but we think he swings that way), he was able to form a large enough
quantity of special cheese that by combining with pastrami, tied together with a piece of spaghetti, and thus implode at the
origin of his anal sphincter and go back in time. (NB: This method was created by the Italians). When Arhfuck Uin-d-ash reached
his designated era a complication arose, where he passed a large conglomerate of special time-harnessing cheese created by
a spontaneous bowel movement which rose into the sky and became the current moon...all this time accompanied by Vanya Vajina,
his German apprentice, and a surplus supply of curry. Unfortunately the timeline was so consequently screwed that Vanya Vajina
was left stranded on Arhfuck Uin-d-ashs bowel stone composed of cheese, left there for all eternity to pass wind in rememberance
of his long-forgotten professor (all this not before performing the Dirty Sanchez with Adam of Eden, and forming the Dutch
race). Meanwhile, Arhfuck Uin-d-ashs cheesy bowel stone had disshevelled some lint from Uggo, the time-traveling three-toed
sloth (don't ask), who just happened to be at the right place at the wrong time, which once again helped to destroy planet
Earth (=> Lint Can Kill!!!). Arhfuck Uin-d-ash arrived in Eden, whilst Vanya was left stranded on the Professor's rapidly
expanding expelled haemorrhoid. Prof Arhfuck Uin-d-ash then went about making love to Eve in order to ensure that future mankind
would hate goats and all related furry animals (bad news for Uggo). This Creation Story was edited out of the Bible
because at that particular time in the biblical age, the Dutch, who were an integral part of the story, were believed to be
flesh-eating cannibals with testicles for eyes by the Jewish. (They got it wrong. The Dutch dont eat flesh). It so happened
that nine months after the fact, Eve gave birth to a goat, Adam got terribly upset, and they were forced to endure divorce
preceedings (Eve got custody). God, who had been too preoccupied in producing another universe which preceded ours (this one
totally inhabited by walking marshmallows that can implode from their arseholes and travel to anypoint in time and space),
saw what had been happening, found it quite amusing, and then decided to go play a game of Jenga with Moses (not before booting
the pair of them out of Eden). NB: All this time the Serpents participation had been minimal, but he got his own back when
he swallowed a lost and confused Uggo. Arhfuck Uin-d-ash sewed the seeds of his own downfall, because in hating goats, he
managed to be the biological father of the first one, when having sexual relations with Eve. Because time is so thoroughly
screwed up, perhaps this was the original reason why he hated them. (No dont worry i have a headache too). Meanwhile, Vanya
whose only source of sustenance was cheesy bowel product, began to eat and fart, creating mass winds in Eden. The lint off
Uggo's decaying corpse was caught in these primal winds and thus created a spark, powerful enough to engulf the entire Eden
in flames with the help of Vanya's anal gas. Eden was then destroyed, and God subsequently went off to have a couple of shots
of strong rum. Reality is much weirder than fiction. So perhaps God wrote "A Clockwork Orange." *Meh*
Drivelled aimlessly
by Diamond Crotch (a.k.a. The Kirkus)
Assisted in rambling heedlessly by Cursed To Eat Adorable Kittens
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