Handsome Pudding’s Creed of being a superhero

• No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
• To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not from across the room.
• There are two kinds of woman in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type that want to kill you.  Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
• If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe and/or call the next day.
• If I go without bathing, curse a lot and treat women badly, they will all adore me.
• If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me, then we will engage in mind-blowing passionate lovemaking.
• Anyone who isn’t a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual.  Or at least a sissy.
• If I have a prolonged fistfight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
• My archenemy will bear an uncanny resemblance to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
• When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children.  When evil people shoot me, I will at most receive a ‘flesh wound’, which will be tended to by a beautiful woman before I kill the evil person with my bare hands and engage in mind-blowing passionate love making with the beautiful women.
• Because I am white I will have at least one friend that is a black guy, who will die in a horrific pool of blood and bullets.  I will have an emotional moment with my dying black friend, just before I kill the enemy with my bare hands.  My black friend’s former girlfriend/wife/lover will fall for me, then we will engage in mind-blowing passionate lovemaking.
• If I marry, the villain will kill my wife halfway through our prolonged battle, which will urge me to even greater levels of violence.
• If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly. I will curse and then the beautiful daughter and I will engage in mind-blowing passionate lovemaking.
• If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful rich princess who will gaze at me adoringly.  I will curse and then the beautiful rich princess and I will engage in mind-blowing passionate lovemaking.
• If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly muscled, clean-cut and gaze at me adoringly.
• If I have a kid partner who gazes at me adoringly in an inappropriate homosexual manor, I will kill him with my bare hands.
• If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win.  His girlfriend/wife/lover will fall in love with me. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.  I will promptly kill him with my bare hands. I will curse and then my opponent’s former girlfriend/wife/lover and I will engage in mind-blowing passionate lovemaking.
• If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like ‘Rick’ or ‘Steve’.
• Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?”  I will curse and then we will engage in mind-blowing passionate lovemaking.
• If a small furry adorable kitten is used to lure me into an explosive deadly trap, I will heroically save the kitten and murder the enemy with my bear hands while feeding the adorable kitten milk and cat-biscuits.
• If a small furry adorable kitten is strapped with C4 by the enemy in an attempt kill me, I will promptly boot the kitten into the enemy's hideout.
• Every Thursday I will make cupcakes for the local Primary school and pick pretty flowers for the aged care home.  Every second Friday I will get a manicure and a hair treatment.